A Pair Of Wings.

Today is a day of a million feelings. A day of being home, and a day of being far far away.

I woke up this morning with a little lump in my throat and tugging on my heart, just a little, reminding myself that this was my last morning and my last day. And yet, everything around me spoke of comfort, of love, almost a false sense of security that I wasn't going anywhere. "I'm here. I'm still home."

Dishes being clanged and voices laughing and talking downstairs in the kitchen. A special breakfast being made, I remembered, in honour of our leaving. I started shoving my last few things into my suitcase. A few books, a skirt, a sweater. little things.

I looked at the clock. 2 hours.. only 2 hours left. We all sat down to a delicious breakfast, after a preliminary family selfie. Talking-talking-talking for the last time. Comfort all I feel, I love these people, my family. I love being me, more genuinely me than at any other time.

And after breakfast we're packing suitcases into the van, and the moments tick by faster and faster. And I begin the feel a little sick, and the tugging at my heart feels a little stronger. Now, I know I'm going to cry. I'm going to cry hard, and I won't be able to talk, and I wish it weren't so hard.

But it's the hardest just as we pull away, and first few miles of road take me further and further from the people that I love so much. But an hour or two down the road, something else starts trickling in. A gleam of hope. Is that what hope looks like? a little sparkle of excitement. Not the dying embers, but something new- just beginning and destined to grow bigger and bigger, and take over my whole being and gleam through my eyes eventually, defying all attempts at concealment. But then, who wants to conceal joy? It's a blessing and it's a wonderful thing. And let me say- if you ever feel the leastest gleam of happiness or joy or thrillingness in your life--- grasp at it- with everything you've got. revel in it. indulge in it. It's strength.

And so- by the time you've gotten to the airport and checked all your luggage in and gone through security and finally sit for a moment, just waiting now to board the flight-- All you can really think about is not what you've left behind anymore, but what's ahead. What's ahead? I have no idea- except that it will be utterly thrilling and different and interesting and challenging and entirely a good thing.

Next comes the flight- on a pair of wings high above earth and all earthly things. Similarly my spirit soaring and teaching me to believe- believe in the future and the present and the God who is my guide until my death. Every moment and I get a little more tense and nervous and excited as I just wait now for the boarding call. And we'll be off.

You Yourself Have Altered.

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."

--Nelson Mandela

Forgive me, my macbook's front-facing camera is about as good as my laziness will allow me to get at this moment. But this is life, right now, new plaid skirts and sparkly sweaters-- the light from my window the only sunshine I really bother to get-- and strong consolations I find in God's word and am clinging to, positive I will need them presently.

You know what, forget it. I was going to wax eloquent in writing, but I'm pretty sure my fingers and brain have forgotten how to write properly. So let's just vlog what I really wanted to say, shall we?

Reflections.

"I remember working at the distribution center. In my big, clunky shoes and ill fitting jeans and hair pulled blandly into a side pony-tail. But with a mind that more often than not was way high up in the clouds. I remember walking across a busy warehouse full of noise and confusion and tired people and almost being surprised I couldn't hear the click of my heels and the swish of my delicate rose-hued gown (imaginary).

And, well, you know, it's not really our circumstances or surroundings- but our spirit, our courage, and our optimism that makes the difference. And sometimes tinkling earrings, and sometimes red nails, and sometimes just a different pair of shoes is enough to make a day a wonderful adventure."

New Years Resolutions.

Here we go, the obligatory 'new years resolutions' everyone makes, every year. And here I am, making the very cliche-est of the cliche.

But why not?

Why not try to be better- do better? If even for the 24th time after 23 failures- to try again is still better than to give up hope.

So here are mine- you've seen them a million times before. But hey- I had a free afternoon and an itching to let the graphic designer inside me come out for a little bit.

And so, I resolve.

I Left My Adventure.

I gripped the arm rests on either side of me a little tighter as I felt us lift into the air, I turned my head to the little window on my left and saw as the lights of the city flashed by us in the darkness, then grew smaller and smaller in the distance. One thought. One thought in my head, and I couldn’t hold the tears back any more like I had all day. “This is my adventure. And I’m leaving it. I’m leaving my adventure.”


And here we are, my first Christmas break. I've completed my first semester of college, and that fact is absolutely insane, my friends.
I thought coming home would be different than this. I figured, seeing how I had adjusted to college life finally, coming home would take a lot of adjustment too. But it hasn't. I've just slipped right back into home life, into my little place in my family, into a sleeping routine that is much more lenient on my eyelids. I miss my friends and college life much, but I missed my family and home oh so much when I was at college. My heart is kind of split right now, I guess. I'm not sure what to do with it.

Oh, college.

Perhaps you haven't noticed, but it's been a little dull around here the past couple months. Now you might think that just to be a mirroring of my own life, but in actuality, I must say it's been the complete opposite. I've never lived before like I have these past few months. At times I think I've been an entirely different person. I've met at least a zillion and one people, and these some of the most incredible people I'm sure you could ever meet.
Time would fail me to tell of all the stories, of all the folks, of all the memories. I've climbed trees, star-gazed in fields, cruised down country roads to country music, danced by Christmas lights, eaten muffins in stairwells, served meals, leaf fights, puddle jumps, early-morning doughnut runs..

Left to my own self to be responsible or irresponsible as I myself chose.

It's a scary thing. And I'm starting to realize that I am very disappointing person, if you bother to pay attention. Thank goodness I can depend on a God that never disappoints. That's honestly the one and only reason I somehow made it through these crazy three months still sane and in one piece. Somehow I passed all those tests, submitted all those projects, worked my job, lived dorm life,-- lived mere life! Somehow, in between the mountain in this side that peaks and dips by the sun's glare in the mornings- and the mountain on that side that stands a low and fitting cradle for the sun when it lowers itself to bed at night. Underneath the harsh blue of the skies, and in amongst desert expanses, and forests of the crippled trees we call Joshua trees. In this beautiful place, made even more beautiful by the joy I've grasped of my Lord carrying me in and through it all.

This Wonderful Current.

I write best on lack of sleep, but I just took a lovely two-hour afternoon nap, so you must excuse me for my thoughts escape my grasp a little here and there.

And so- it is the second day of classes, and I have somehow or other survived. I've found my classes, and been on time. Even if it meant speed-walking to my dorm and back in-between intervals to quickly drop textbooks off and pick up new ones- eating a reese's peanut butter cup along the way.
 I've met enough people in this short, just-over-a-week period to make your head spin. Names and years and majors are thrown about easily, and just as easily forgotten. But hey, at least you've made an acquaintance, and when you pass them in the hallway next you can wave and say "hey!"- and that's all that matters.
It's insane though, that you can meet this many people, and still enter a room to search in vain for a familiar face. It's a huge place I tell you- this school. And while that fact is a little overwhelming, and sometimes crushingly overwhelming... It's spectacular. It's thrilling. It's just so-so cool.

I still wake up every morning and have that "where am I?" moment. And suddenly I remember I'm at college, where I have a 7:30 AM class, and I have to get up and be presentable and talk to people. Every. day.

But, much as I fear the piles of assignments and readings and due dates piling up on my imaginary desk. And much as all this 'people stuff' makes me unsure of myself. Much as all that, and any other troubles I may have... I wouldn't be anywhere else in the whole world for all the world. I have moments when I doubt the accuracy of that statement. But oh-so-many moments when my heart thrills with gratefulness, and the fact that I. am. here.


To sum it all up. To say what I mean to say, really. To say the truth of it all;
I have made an incredible amount of amazing friends here, and am still meeting so many new people everyday. I have survived registration and the first hours of all my classes with nary a scratch. I've been blessed by rainbows in the sky, by the powerful music, by the preaching, by delicious (and not so) meals, the beautiful campus, the comfort and atmosphere of the dorms. All of this craziness of college life, and waking up to fill a schedule, live a life nothing close to any I've lived before. All-all-all of this. I sit, and I see it happening before my eyes. Barely lifting a finger, but praying and begging and trusting God to be with me, to help me. And He is, and wow! 

It's not perfect over here... But it is wonderful.

Need I Fear?

There was a golden sliver of a moon in the sky tonight, graceful and shining against the black sky.

I wonder, does God orchestrate the circumstances of our lives, down to the littlest details and moments and words, with as much perfection as He keeps the sun, moon, and stars in their courses? Did He arrange my today, order my tomorrow with as faultless a precision as He crafted the tiniest details of the minutest atoms of matter? It's incredible. The way God has designed nature (science has definitely taught me one thing), how absolutely flawless the orders of the universe are- how one animal provides for the next animal who provides for the next, how every cell in those animals' bodies works together perfectly with the others to accomplish the miracle of life even on the simplest and rudest scale.

But then, life seems such a messy business. Words are thrown around- spoken too harshly, too loudly, or mumbled and forgotten in the torrent of noise. Feelings are hazy shadows that never fail to come to every one of us, and never fail to go and change, as if by the slightest breath of wind. We go here- we do this- we say that- we live our days, we live our lives. Almost mindlessly sometimes it seems.
Where is the order in it all? Where is the orchestration? I don't see it. I can't seem to brush aside this mortal viewpoint, this mortal sight that sees only chaos and meaninglessness.

But when I ponder the stars, when I see that sliver of a golden moon in the sky tonight, I can't help but think of the perfection of His ways, the wisdom He uses to hold the universe in it's order- the absolute flawlessness and faithfulness of His creation. And I can't help but feel that those same hands that send the birds south and the salmon upstream, will send me whithersoever is best, and send into my life whosoever is just right, and use me, send me, perfectly, faultlessly, where He will.

And so- how can the future be a scary thing?