I Left My Adventure.

I gripped the arm rests on either side of me a little tighter as I felt us lift into the air, I turned my head to the little window on my left and saw as the lights of the city flashed by us in the darkness, then grew smaller and smaller in the distance. One thought. One thought in my head, and I couldn’t hold the tears back any more like I had all day. “This is my adventure. And I’m leaving it. I’m leaving my adventure.”


And here we are, my first Christmas break. I've completed my first semester of college, and that fact is absolutely insane, my friends.
I thought coming home would be different than this. I figured, seeing how I had adjusted to college life finally, coming home would take a lot of adjustment too. But it hasn't. I've just slipped right back into home life, into my little place in my family, into a sleeping routine that is much more lenient on my eyelids. I miss my friends and college life much, but I missed my family and home oh so much when I was at college. My heart is kind of split right now, I guess. I'm not sure what to do with it.

Oh, college.

Perhaps you haven't noticed, but it's been a little dull around here the past couple months. Now you might think that just to be a mirroring of my own life, but in actuality, I must say it's been the complete opposite. I've never lived before like I have these past few months. At times I think I've been an entirely different person. I've met at least a zillion and one people, and these some of the most incredible people I'm sure you could ever meet.
Time would fail me to tell of all the stories, of all the folks, of all the memories. I've climbed trees, star-gazed in fields, cruised down country roads to country music, danced by Christmas lights, eaten muffins in stairwells, served meals, leaf fights, puddle jumps, early-morning doughnut runs..

Left to my own self to be responsible or irresponsible as I myself chose.

It's a scary thing. And I'm starting to realize that I am very disappointing person, if you bother to pay attention. Thank goodness I can depend on a God that never disappoints. That's honestly the one and only reason I somehow made it through these crazy three months still sane and in one piece. Somehow I passed all those tests, submitted all those projects, worked my job, lived dorm life,-- lived mere life! Somehow, in between the mountain in this side that peaks and dips by the sun's glare in the mornings- and the mountain on that side that stands a low and fitting cradle for the sun when it lowers itself to bed at night. Underneath the harsh blue of the skies, and in amongst desert expanses, and forests of the crippled trees we call Joshua trees. In this beautiful place, made even more beautiful by the joy I've grasped of my Lord carrying me in and through it all.

This Wonderful Current.

I write best on lack of sleep, but I just took a lovely two-hour afternoon nap, so you must excuse me for my thoughts escape my grasp a little here and there.

And so- it is the second day of classes, and I have somehow or other survived. I've found my classes, and been on time. Even if it meant speed-walking to my dorm and back in-between intervals to quickly drop textbooks off and pick up new ones- eating a reese's peanut butter cup along the way.
 I've met enough people in this short, just-over-a-week period to make your head spin. Names and years and majors are thrown about easily, and just as easily forgotten. But hey, at least you've made an acquaintance, and when you pass them in the hallway next you can wave and say "hey!"- and that's all that matters.
It's insane though, that you can meet this many people, and still enter a room to search in vain for a familiar face. It's a huge place I tell you- this school. And while that fact is a little overwhelming, and sometimes crushingly overwhelming... It's spectacular. It's thrilling. It's just so-so cool.

I still wake up every morning and have that "where am I?" moment. And suddenly I remember I'm at college, where I have a 7:30 AM class, and I have to get up and be presentable and talk to people. Every. day.

But, much as I fear the piles of assignments and readings and due dates piling up on my imaginary desk. And much as all this 'people stuff' makes me unsure of myself. Much as all that, and any other troubles I may have... I wouldn't be anywhere else in the whole world for all the world. I have moments when I doubt the accuracy of that statement. But oh-so-many moments when my heart thrills with gratefulness, and the fact that I. am. here.


To sum it all up. To say what I mean to say, really. To say the truth of it all;
I have made an incredible amount of amazing friends here, and am still meeting so many new people everyday. I have survived registration and the first hours of all my classes with nary a scratch. I've been blessed by rainbows in the sky, by the powerful music, by the preaching, by delicious (and not so) meals, the beautiful campus, the comfort and atmosphere of the dorms. All of this craziness of college life, and waking up to fill a schedule, live a life nothing close to any I've lived before. All-all-all of this. I sit, and I see it happening before my eyes. Barely lifting a finger, but praying and begging and trusting God to be with me, to help me. And He is, and wow! 

It's not perfect over here... But it is wonderful.

Need I Fear?

There was a golden sliver of a moon in the sky tonight, graceful and shining against the black sky.

I wonder, does God orchestrate the circumstances of our lives, down to the littlest details and moments and words, with as much perfection as He keeps the sun, moon, and stars in their courses? Did He arrange my today, order my tomorrow with as faultless a precision as He crafted the tiniest details of the minutest atoms of matter? It's incredible. The way God has designed nature (science has definitely taught me one thing), how absolutely flawless the orders of the universe are- how one animal provides for the next animal who provides for the next, how every cell in those animals' bodies works together perfectly with the others to accomplish the miracle of life even on the simplest and rudest scale.

But then, life seems such a messy business. Words are thrown around- spoken too harshly, too loudly, or mumbled and forgotten in the torrent of noise. Feelings are hazy shadows that never fail to come to every one of us, and never fail to go and change, as if by the slightest breath of wind. We go here- we do this- we say that- we live our days, we live our lives. Almost mindlessly sometimes it seems.
Where is the order in it all? Where is the orchestration? I don't see it. I can't seem to brush aside this mortal viewpoint, this mortal sight that sees only chaos and meaninglessness.

But when I ponder the stars, when I see that sliver of a golden moon in the sky tonight, I can't help but think of the perfection of His ways, the wisdom He uses to hold the universe in it's order- the absolute flawlessness and faithfulness of His creation. And I can't help but feel that those same hands that send the birds south and the salmon upstream, will send me whithersoever is best, and send into my life whosoever is just right, and use me, send me, perfectly, faultlessly, where He will.

And so- how can the future be a scary thing?

When I Close My Eyes.

We’re on our way across the country, and we stop at a rest area to get a little bite to eat, and take little bit of a breath of fresh air. But for me, all I needed was to stop for the view. Oh, but I’ve never felt more free- I’ve never been more happy! There were times, as I worked this past year, that I would stop and close my eyes, and imagine myself far away- wind on my face, wings on my heart. Some place else than where I was, with sweat on my face and toil, toil, toil encompassing my life. I never knew quite where it was my heart flew when I closed my eyes thus. But now I know- it’s right here. Where the hills roll and the fields are oceans of corn, where the dusky grey mountains silhouette against a blue, blue sky. Where I can see my future before me, like an uncovered mine of buried hopes and dreams- growing up into tangible excitement and adventures before my very eyes.

Mental Preparations.

"And suddenly you know... It's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings."


You'll find out very soon that I have an odd belief in magic, the magic of moonlight, the magic of the smell of Autumn in the air, of laughter, of smiles, of the way squiggly black lines becomes words and those words become pictures in the human brain and those pictures evoke feelings in the human heart. It's an everyday sort of magic, but it's incredibly extraordinary.

And I believe life is magical. I believe my life is magical. Whether it's magic obviously seen on some of the best days of my life, or the magic behind the scenes on the worst days. I guess what I'm trying to say is- life is magical because God is wonderful, and He's been especially wonderful to me not only in all the wonders of my life so far, but also to the extent of the crazy beautiful fact that I'm going to college this Fall.

In fact, I'll be on my way in three days.

It's kinda been an exciting dream and day-dream of mine for the past.. year and a half? to go to college. This certain college where my brother is already attending. To meet all the awesome people he's told us about, to see all the awesome things we've heard about, to do all the awesome things that (those awfully old and mature and revered) college students do. It's been a sparkly dream, a grand dream, that honestly? Has gotten me through a lot of rough days and long nights because I knew this was what I was working for, persevering for. Oh the opportunities! The adventure! 

But... Here we are, three days away from commencing the journey. And frankly, I'm terrified.
Oh sure, it's easy and great to fantasize and all about a grand adventure ten, five, three months away in that far distant land called 'the future'. But, inevitably, at some point, 'the future' turns into today. Right now. Reality.

It's so easy to have all the right words, and do all the right things when you're turning in that big class project (in your head) but you're really just logging off another day on the time clock at work. Yet when the moment comes, when all these moments come, I know my fingers will tremble a little, and I know sometime the words just aren't going to come, and I know I'll find myself much more the faulty human than I like to believe.

And yet, don't listen to my silly fears. Because I'm much more than afraid, I'm ecstatic, and thriiiiilled, and oh-so-very happy to have reached this point. To be here. To be embarking on this, yes, magical experience. And, mark this, when registration begins, and classes, and I'm really there, all these colliding feelings of nervousness and terror and excitement and happiness are going to make a train wreck in my being and I. WILL. EXPLODE. (So if you happen to be there, and see me standing by myself with a silly grin on my face- You'll know I will be temporarily self-combusting)

And to think, all the grandness of life, of all this, is possible because God chose to create me, and love me, and save me, and hold my life together with His very own hands?... Don't ask me... Just don't ask me why I'm so incredibly blest. (It's insane.)